Stop Manipulating and Surrender

"Stop manipulating and surrender."  A resounding thought that keeps going through my head this afternoon.  After a great morning at church, I am amazed at what the Lord has done not just for all humanity, but for myself.  This Gospel is not just for everyone else, it is for me too.  I don't have to be perfect (I've tried) and I don't have to be strong enough (because I am not).  I have a fear of the battle in which I cannot see, but know that is very real.  However, I don't want to be afraid anymore.  When I believed, God placed a dream in my heart.  A dream that only He could have placed in my heart and mind and one in which only He can fulfill.  So instead of trying to help God out with this dream, I'm going to (1) give it back to Him in full submission to His will and way and (2) actively engage in living it out with Him and in His wisdom and strength.  I confess that I've tried to do this dream on my own and I have only messed it up and hurt many people along the way.  I am not in the business of hurting people, but you would not know this by the way I have treated those whom I am to love.  I have come to know that not only are people hard to love, but that I myself am hard to love. 

I had a very precious friend give his testimony today at church.  God has called this man to Himself and it is awesome to see God work in and through him.  He said so many things today that made me want to go.  One particular thing that really stood out to me is when he said, "I remember going home one day as a kid telling my mom that I thought I was going to be a missionary...and to my surprise my mom said, yes I knew this since you were born."  I too told my parents about six months ago that I wanted to go overseas full time.  Dad was not so happy. Mom was sad, but said, "Amie as much as I would miss you, we have always known that you were different."  Now this does not confirm anything about me going overseas full-time, but it did put a spark in my heart today.  So in saying all of this, "stop manipulating and just surrender", is what I am to do.  There is brokenness that needs to be embraced, a cross to bare, and a Savior to Love and be loved by.