It's Time

As I sit here tonight, my bags are packed, the apartment is clean, and all laundry is done, I have one lingering question: is my heart prepared and ready for Africa? I have the ability to do all the above, but one thing I can't do is prepare my heart; that is God's job. My role is to make myself available to Him. I do believe the Lord has been faithful in providing the way for me to go to Africa. I am honored and humbled by all that has happened the last few/couple of weeks and am excited to see how the Lord is going to work the next 10 days! Being faithful, available, and teachable are the traits of a true disciple of Christ. I pray this is true of me and if not, may the Lord have His way in my heart, mind, and will.

Today I was asked what I expected in going to Africa. Two things came to mind: confirmation and growth (to more like Jesus and more in love with Jesus). I feel like a new chapter is starting and I have no idea what is ahead. A lot of uncertainties, but one thing that is certain is Jesus. Letting Him lead my life from here on out is all that I am focused on. I can't take control anymore. I don't care what trials and tests are ahead, I just want Jesus. His grace is sufficient for me.

My heart is heavy as I end this, but I choose to lay my concerns, burdens, and heartache at the foot of the Cross. All glory and honor to God.

Africa

So much has happened since the last time I was on here.  To name a few...
1. My oldest youngest sister got engaged!
2. Xoie Aspen-Grace Smith was born!
3. I graduated from graduate school!

I am excited about what the Lord has in store.  I am still not sure where I will be by the end of June, but He does.  What I do know is that I want to follow with all my heart, soul, and mind.  I will finish up work in June 28, will move on June 30th, and will be in South Sudan from July 4-15!  Please feel free to click on the link below to visit my fundraising page.

http://www.e3partners.org/untilallhaveheard

It's Been a While

No Turning Back...three sweet words that I won't to ring true in my heart.  I have many desires and longs in my heart, but only One can quench these desires, Jesus Christ.  Spring Break was a nice break from daily schedule and rest was much needed and appreciated.  I got to catch up with family and some dear friends.  I had the chance to experinece my first Gaither Concert, thanks to a precious, sweet, and dear friend.  

Graduation is quickly approaching and some decisions have to be made.  Where am I going to live?  Am I going to stay in Fort Worth or am I going to move closer to home?  Africa...what, when, how long?  As I pray and think about these decisions, I can rest that the Lord has all the answers and in seeking out the answers, I am growing closer to Him...i.e. His plan all along. 

 I was hit with the hard reality this morning that nothing in me, that is my flesh, loves the Lord.  While this is hard for me to swallow, I can rest that even though I don't love Him, He still loves me and gives me His Spirit to love Him back!  Oh how I treasure the Holy Spirit.  I am not my own, I am God's.  I will go wherever He leads, leaving all behind; no turing back. 

Stop Manipulating and Surrender

"Stop manipulating and surrender."  A resounding thought that keeps going through my head this afternoon.  After a great morning at church, I am amazed at what the Lord has done not just for all humanity, but for myself.  This Gospel is not just for everyone else, it is for me too.  I don't have to be perfect (I've tried) and I don't have to be strong enough (because I am not).  I have a fear of the battle in which I cannot see, but know that is very real.  However, I don't want to be afraid anymore.  When I believed, God placed a dream in my heart.  A dream that only He could have placed in my heart and mind and one in which only He can fulfill.  So instead of trying to help God out with this dream, I'm going to (1) give it back to Him in full submission to His will and way and (2) actively engage in living it out with Him and in His wisdom and strength.  I confess that I've tried to do this dream on my own and I have only messed it up and hurt many people along the way.  I am not in the business of hurting people, but you would not know this by the way I have treated those whom I am to love.  I have come to know that not only are people hard to love, but that I myself am hard to love. 

I had a very precious friend give his testimony today at church.  God has called this man to Himself and it is awesome to see God work in and through him.  He said so many things today that made me want to go.  One particular thing that really stood out to me is when he said, "I remember going home one day as a kid telling my mom that I thought I was going to be a missionary...and to my surprise my mom said, yes I knew this since you were born."  I too told my parents about six months ago that I wanted to go overseas full time.  Dad was not so happy. Mom was sad, but said, "Amie as much as I would miss you, we have always known that you were different."  Now this does not confirm anything about me going overseas full-time, but it did put a spark in my heart today.  So in saying all of this, "stop manipulating and just surrender", is what I am to do.  There is brokenness that needs to be embraced, a cross to bare, and a Savior to Love and be loved by.

Brokenness

Broken into a million pieces was I.  Not knowing where to go, I turned to the One who would know this best, Jesus.  Letting Him sit with me was great, but there was still more that needed to be done.  There were still a million broken pieces laying everywhere.  Coming to the Lord daily and sitting in the brokenness, I was left searching for what to do with all the broken pieces.  Little did I know, that God wanted all of these million pieces of the broken me.  All along I thought I was giving Him all of these pieces, but little did I know I was still holding onto some of the really sharp ones that hurt too much and/or there was too much fear in letting them be exposed. 
So as I sit here tonight, my heart is still in a million pieces and I am searching for Someone to put it back together.  I know I will never be the same person, but I am not suppose to be...I am a work in progress.  Letting the brokenness be exposed to the Light is what needs to be done, no matter how bad it hurts or what it costs.

The Father has to break us so He can heal us...wish I knew this more when I shattered, but nevertheless, it is never too late to find that healing in His scars!  Lord untie the knots in my heart and unlock the rooms in my heart that have been locked either by self, sin, or this world.

Real Love

Real love...to know that all my sins, hurts and pains are nailed to the Cross by the God who created me and died so I could have life eternally...that my friend is real love.  Do I always feel like I am loved...umm I would have to say no.  However, the way I feel does not take away what I know to be true; I am loved with an everlasting love and nothing can separate me from this love.  Lord I am ready to be loved, I am ready to be healed, I am ready to be forgiven, I am ready to forgive.

Got to talk to my dad tonight...it has been a while.  I may never get to hear the words "I am sorry", but that does not stop me from asking for forgiveness and giving forgiveness.  I have an eternal Father who tells me I am forgiven and loved.  God is showing me how to love on a level I don't understand, but am ever so grateful that He is taking me there...HE is taking me there.

Sold Out

SOLD OUT! Two words that have become near and dear to me these past few days.  Sold out to what you may ask...?  Sold out to Jesus Christ and to Him alone.  To count it all as loss compared to knowing Christ Jesus as Lord...what my soul hungers and cries out for.  Nothing else in this world can quinch this thirst, but the living water from Him alone.  Sometimes I get the thought, "What have I been doing my whole life? Have I really layed down my all for Jesus or have I just said that I have?"  Two very hard questions that I have to come face to face with in front of a Holy and Righteous God.  I don't just want to go through this life and live, I want life...God life... living and breathing in and through me.   It's ok to be sold out to Jesus Christ, just don't expect it to be easy, but know that it is going to be worth it; HE is going to be worth it! Keep the Truth at the forefront of everything. 

Here is one of my lastest favorite songs.  Enjoy!